Tuesday, January 15, 2013

My new's years resolutions this year are kind of backwards, year of the hedonist I guess. The goal   overall for my life mission is to make up for all of the things that have always held me back, stop waiting for when I'm finally allowed to do things, and just try more.

Why do I have to always be told how “it's so important for a person to have this ___ and this ___ of their own and in their life” while at the same time being told by them that “you can never have them, oh we meant every body else. Of course, not you.”

It's not fair that child abusers have had me unable to enjoy so many things for 30 years now, that they can go on and forget but I can't even ever enjoy a simple kiss. I have lists of so many things that I'm needing to overcome and be able to experience like a normal person again.

Basic things that regular people get to take for granted, and I can't even touch or think about without flashbacks and tears and shaking.

I know that a lot of these things are going to cause even more memories that I've had locked up forever to flood back, and I'm starting to do them anyway. I was already having to deal with a lot of those coming up from my family and all their inconsiderate actions the past year too.

Instead of a diet that will make me lose weight(which I think I do need to, lose that is) I'm actually considering several diet changes that will more than likely make me gain even more weight back,
More than that, it's eating things I've expected to never have for the rest of my life, and would never even consider all of the past 15 years. So I'm torn on deciding to actually give up and do this, uncertain if my reasons are true, or if depression and hopelessness is just winning out so I'm entirely losing myself. If I'm doing it thinking it will make me feel better and get healthier, more options and less starving for days because I'm afraid to eat, then yeah I could accept that. A lot of my thoughts justify it fine, I mean there's still my beliefs and limits to some things I still never want to eat, but I don't think that starting back on the rest is bad,
I'm not worried about it making me a hypocrite and disappointed like that.

But I do doubt whether, for that very reason that it can be justified without guilt, I should be worried that something is seriously wrong with me, and my motives are more a sign of just giving up.

Maybe it's this birth control pill I took(except it shouldn't stay in my system so long) they always totally throw my hormones and things out of whack. It wasn't until that when I started seriously wanting and craving cheese and dairy for the first time in over ten years. Hormones, yeah I've always expected to someday be pregnant and fight off cravings, even ask that somebody help me remember not to give in to them. But here I am now.

So was it hormone, or  logical, since I only read that it now contains lactose AFTER getting it, and knowing that I would be willingly ingesting it again, not just an accident. Even that has always been acceptable in my opinion, I'll be lenient about taking lactose/gelatin in medicine if it's needed. So  that didn't bug me beyond wondering what more side effects I would feel from it..
End of  story.

Or so I thought.

Then I started WANTING and being obsessed with cheese pizza, and all sorts of other things I used to eat as a kid.

So maybe it lead to further thoughts on some subconscious levels, and caused all these urges and memories, deciding to actually consider it.


I'm scared that might be the case, but it feels like more than just admitting that yes, it would be so much easier if I was able to eat so many more things, right now I've been so limited and when I'm sick and in pain, the options dwindle even further since I can't even manage the needed cooking and preparation required most every day, and I sure don't have a budget to be able to overcome that.

Gluten free bread baking, at least I know I can master it and not just come out with inedible bricks, but trying to do that on a regular basis when you can hardly use your hands AT ALL? Sometimes squeeze bottles make me cry out in agony. Sometimes a grip for unscrewing bottle lids is entirely impossible and has been put off and avoided for weeks, and then required digging through freaking toolboxes. Seriously.. I need an electric can opener, and can't even afford that..

So yeah, it's not just a laziness causing slackitude, and if it were just weakness on that part I can accept that.
But I've always believed that listening to my body was the most important thing, and the reason I gave up meat in the first place. So why should it bother me to listen to it again and give it a chance to try now? It's probably good to test and see my reactions, I've always tried to not freak out whenever I eat something on accident, and observe closely just how my body responds more than anything.

Another big reason to reconsider milk is that in all my troubles with gluten reactions, the majority of people who have gluten intolerances also have lactose intolerance, BUT when they get the gluten under control, they're finally able to overcome dairy foods for the first time.

But what became of my beliefs that lactose intolerance was actually naturally, that humans shouldn't even be touching milk from other animals and it's no wonder it makes most of us sick in some way? That it causes our immune system to be bogged down, kids to have more allergies and infections, etc?

Ehh... if tis already out there everywhere you look, making so much food unavailable, then may as well eat it I guess. Especially if you can fight all of that with a pill.

See, what IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm all about the being as natural as possible. I suddenly just don't care anymore? *blinks rapidly at herself wondering where she went*

I haven't been having many bad cases of gluten lately, it got to the point where I try different brands knowing there was a 50/50 chance that it might end badly, and even if one is safe for me a few times, suddenly it might change the next time. If something makes me sick several times, I don't touch it again. Or at least wait over a week. Pretty much not following any strict rotation diets, but backing up and taking a break to reset my body again seems to work, along with making sure to keep portions in mind and spread them out.

I've learned moderation is the best thing, so there's another reason to have more options. Plus that means anything new I'm adding in to my diet shouldn't be done overboard either, I'm going to have to be very careful with the cheese, limited, and balanced out by something else not relied on to heavily, and certainly not considering anything too rich. No ice cream; I would like to be able to have yogurt though. It's funny I'm planning the time table of what to add first, and gradually work back up to... and tis exactly the reverse order of the things I ate last.

So yeah, I stopped doing bento so much when I got sick and then had to move so all my dishes and such have been packed up for months, I no longer have my own kitchen o area to do all of that in.
But I'm going to try to bring it back a little with bento, and came up with a new idea for this journey of coming undone. I'm already making a list of all the things I need to try tasting again, or for the first time ever. So I'll start to add posts here about each experience and review them, trying to compare to what I remember and how long it's been since I've had it.

Right now, there's so many things I know I've never even gotten to try(since as a kid I wasn't around them, and as a teen I couldn't eat them) and for the life of me I can't remember most! I know there's bread pudding, kollache pastries, hawaiian bread, paninis, tiramisu. Then there's the things I do know and miss most, first is going to be mexican for chili rejenos, enchiladas, tamales, sopapillas... then on to ravioli, lasagna, stromboli, and cheesecakes in very small portions.